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Emotional Garbage
4/22/2002
It's entirely possible that I always need to have my mind on some guy. Not that I always need to be with someone, because I have always rather relished the time that I have to myself between relationships. Okay, truth be told, I am not really relishing the time that I have to myself right now. Usually it's a comfort though, just to take a breather. I have a history of serial monogamy, I generally bounce from one committed situation to the next. Right now, I am soley committed to my son though.
Anyway, yesterday I was talking to Mike and I found myself admitting something that I had rather hoped was no longer possible. I miss my son's father, well that's how I was feeling yesterday anyhow. Not quite twenty-four hours have passed and I am very much over that feeling. I had some real bad dreams last night, my son's father was in them. They weren't like figments of my imagination, but rather recollections of the reasons why it didn't work.
Generally the guys that I have been involved with are what you might call "good guys" and my son's father, well... I believe that he is good on the inside but he lives a "bad guy" kind of life. He was a solitary exception to my tendency to get involved with nice guys. For all of their differences, my relationship partners are generally nice, moderately sensitive, somewhat gentle even, and consistently they are 'broken' in some sense. Sometimes I saw those qualities right on the shell of a guy and other times I thought you had to look a little deeper inside to find them. With Sean, it's definately more on the inside... way, way on the inside. Not the broken part though, you couldn't help but notice that right off the bat. If you failed to notice it, he would come right out and tell you. I knew that he had problems right from the start. I just didn't know how bad his problems were and how they would come to effect me as well. (来源：EnglishCN.com)
So while I was sleeping, my brain gave me a refresher course on the negative points about my son's father. I mean I am forever saying that I couldn't go back to him, but sometimes I guess I don't remember exactly why. Maybe it's that I don't want to remember? Probably true! Isn't that how things went on as long as they did? Because I chose to focus on the good side to him and the potential that he had or that we had as a couple. I blew right past all of the things that made him wrong for me. I didn't truly realize how messed up this character was until after I became pregnant with our son. At that point I got caught up in trying to make things work, so that maybe we could raise our child together. I don't believe in staying together because of the children, yet when you couple that idea with how much I loved Sean... I had to give it my best shot.
To make a long story short, my best shot wasn't successful and we didn't stay together. I am left with the recollection of him telling me that he was not the guy that I fell in love with. He knew full well that I stayed with him because of how things were in the beginning. That was the person that he wanted to be, that's what he told me. He tried to be that guy, but it really wasn't him and he knew that's why things didn't work. He had nobody to blame but himself and had no problem with me blaming him either. I wasn't trying to do that, I still don't blame him. Even if he intentionally tried to mislead me in thinking that he was someone different, I don't believe that was for the purpose of hurting me. He was trying to run away from himself, I have tried to do that before too. Don't try this at home... not only is it dangerous, but it really doesn't ever work anyway.
So Sean claims not to be the person that I thought he was and I wind up getting hurt. No wonder Mike makes me think of Sean, he told me almost the exact same thing in reverse. He claims not to be the person that I thought he was either. Only in Mike's case it's because he doesn't want to be that guy. I can't win! Fall in love with someone trying to be something that they are not, because it's how they wish they could be. Years later, fall in love with someone who is being something that they are not, only this time they stop because it's not who they want to be. So again, I got hurt for my willingness to trust someone to be who they seemed to be. It's all the same as my first love, Adam. I don't think I ever really knew him either. I thought that I did, but the guy that I knew... just disappeared.
The rest of the guys, the one's that came and went between these heartaches... well I guess they weren't broken enough for me to fall head-over-heels. I invested my time and energy, my feelings too of course. I didn't put all of myself in though and I didn't really get too hurt because my heart never got overwhelmed by any of them. That is how messed up I am. That as much as anything is why I need to be alone. I am tired of things not working. I am tired of caring about people that cannot be themselves. I am tired of spending time with people (or worse sleeping with guys) that I don't really have those strong, overwhelming feelings for. I want to be overwhelmed? What is wrong with me?
As much as I did get hurt when things didn't work out with Mike, I bounced back fairly quickly. Our so-called relationship didn't go on for long and didn't even get past the beginning. Actually, I didn't even know that we were in a relationship until it was already over. It taught me something though, I am still capable of falling. When someone strikes me the right way, the walls will come down and I will be willing to take the chance and let someone in. I am not too sure right now if that's something to look forward to or something to fear? Probably a little bit of both.
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